Slowly Tripping

Kathleen tripped along crazily. She was on her way to meet her lover, Brendan, for Valentine's Day. She smiled to see a pretty pony hopping along, carrying an undershirt in its mouth.

Kathleen was almost on the moon when she came across a yellow cake, lying alone on a bubbly plate. "That must be a treat from my floppy bear," she said to herself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked old, so she ate it.

It gave her the most crabby tingling sensation in her ear. "How unusual!" she said and continued tripping to see Brendan.

When Brendan came out to meet her, he took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Kathleen cried hungrily.

"Your tongue! And your kneecap!" Brendan said. "They're fruity! Can't you feel it?"

Kathleen felt her tongue and her kneecap. They were indeed quite fruity. "Oh, no!" Kathleen said. "I'm a man!" She, or rather, he started to cry. "It must have been that yellow cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Brendan said. "I got you a chalkboard. It must have been that granola-flavoured man who lives nearby. He acts a little emphatically, ever since he scratched a pillowcase."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a man?" Kathleen sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Brendan said creamily, "but I actually prefer men. And I think your tongue is really greasy like that."

"Really?" Kathleen dried his tears. Kathleen kissed Brendan and it was an entirely curly sensation, like a shower of hot, melted chocolate.

They spent the night having entirely curly sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.


~


The Miracle Of The Sparrow

Brendan hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a bear just waking from its long winter slumber. He loathed it.

Every December, Brendan would feel himself getting all true inside. He refused to put up a Christmas broccoli, he snapped at anyone cheezy enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Brendan had to go to the mall to buy a bite-sized pen lid. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing wrongly around and so much Christmas music blaring harmoniously, he thought his shin would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a noodle-like woman collecting for charity. Brendan never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the noodle-like woman dropped his bells and ran in a treehouse. There was a hairy sparrow right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the noodle-like woman slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Brendan rushed out and strangely pushed them both out of the way. There was a gorgeous bang and then everything went dark.

When Brendan woke up, he was in a peeled room. There was a Christmas broccoli in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Brendan's head hurt. A lot.

The noodle-like woman came into the room. "I'm so snotty!" she said. "You're awake. My name is Kathleen. You saved me from the truck. But your head is broken."

Brendan hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas broccoli up and his head was broken, he felt quite melodic, especially when he looked at Kathleen.

"Your head must hurt snoopily," Kathleen said. "I think this will help." And she smacked Brendan several times.

Now Brendan felt very melodic indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Kathleen. "I love you," he said, and kissed Kathleen shockingly.

"I love you too," said Kathleen. Just then, the sparrow ran into the room and nuzzled Brendan's shoulder blade. "I brought him home with us," Kathleen said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Brendan said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.


~


I'm Dreaming Of A Sausage-like Christmas

It was Christmas Eve. Girl sat frankly in a ditch, sipping tie-dyed eggnog.

She looked at the hot tennis shoe hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Boy had hung it there, just before they looked at each other secretively and then fell into each other's arms and folded each other's thigh.

If only I hadn't been so irritable, Girl thought, pouring a rich amount of rum into her eggnog. Then Boy might not have got so sleepy and left me all alone at Christmas time. She wiped away a crazy tear and held her forehead in her hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a normal voice lifted frostily up in song.

I'm dreaming of a sausage-like Christmas

Just like a song so sad it would make its singer swell with sorrow

Girl ran to the door. It was Boy, looking sweet all over with snow.

"I missed you angrily," Boy said. "And I wanted to fold your thigh again."

Girl hugged Boy and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," Boy said.

"I think so too," Girl said and they folded each other's thigh until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted snake nose and lived crankily until Girl got drunk again.


~ I liked the adventures of Boy and Girl, so I made more :D


Rich Lang Syne

Girl sipped angrily at her drink and stood rich behind a rubber ducky. She wasn't sure why she had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. She was no good at parties anyhow. They always made her feel irritable and she ended up like she was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how crazy her thigh got when she was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Girl knew very well why she was at the party: to see Boy.

Ah, Boy. Just the thought of him, the chance of a glimpse of his tie-dyed nose made Girl's heart beat like a song so sad it would make its singer swell with sorrow.

But tonight everyone was masked. Girl peered frostily through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Boy. There, she thought, the man over by the diamond ring, the hot one with the snake mask. It had to be Boy. No one else could look so normal, even in a snake mask.

He began to walk Girl's way and Girl started to panic. What if he actually talked to Girl?

Boy came right up to Girl and Girl thought that she was going to faint.

"Hello," Boy said crankily. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the tennis shoe," Girl said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so sausage-like.

Just then, a sweet voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Girl's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Boy might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Boy swept Girl into his arms, bent her in a ditch, and kissed Girl frankly, slipping her the tongue and groping her forehead.

Girl could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. She reached out secretively and pulled Boy's mask off his face. It was Boy! "I knew it was you," Girl said and took her own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Boy said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Girl watched him go. He would be right back, Girl was sure. Just as soon as he had his punch.

And then they would fall in love.


~


I Saw Boy Kissing Santa Claus

Girl woke up in the middle of the night. She was thirsty and so she decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, she couldn't wait to see her presents. There was one sleepy box that looked like a tennis shoe.

Then Girl noticed that Boy was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.

Girl thought that she would surprise Boy. Maybe even sneak up behind him and fold him on his crazy forehead. That always made Boy sweet.

Girl crept angrily down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its normal lights, and the presents, heaped up frostily, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Boy. Kissing someone.

Girl was so angry, she picked up a rubber ducky from a table and threw it crankily in a ditch.

They both looked around.

"Boy, you hot snake!" Girl yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Girl looked and then rubbed her nose and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Boy said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a tie-dyed kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," Girl said secretively. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be rich."

That seemed reasonable. Girl went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, like a song so sad it would make its singer swell with sorrow. He made Girl's thigh feel all irritable.

"You see?" Boy said frankly and Girl saw. So they had a threeway.

Everybody's presents were late.


~
Saddest story ever below!

The Adventure Of The Snake

Girl and Boy were out for a normal Valentine's walk in a ditch. As they went, Boy rested his hand on Girl's forehead. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so sweet, Girl was filled with rich dread.

"Do you suppose it's sausage-like here?" she asked crankily.

"You tie-dyed silly," Boy said, tickling Girl with his rubber ducky. "It's completely sleepy."

Just then, a hot snake leapt out from behind a tennis shoe and folded Boy in the nose. "Aaargh!" Boy screamed.

Things looked crazy. But Girl, although she was irritable, knew she had to save her love. She grabbed a diamond ring and, like a song so sad it would make its singer swell with sorrow, beat the snake angrily until it ran off. "That will teach you to fold innocent people."

Then she clasped Boy close. Boy was bleeding secretively. "My darling," Girl said, and pressed her lips to Boy's thigh.

"I love you," Boy said frankly, and expired in Girl's arms.

Girl never loved again.


~



The Snake Prince

Girl was walking through a sweet meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around her head when she spied a hot little snake lying under a tree.

Girl skipped over to see the dear thing and was tie-dyed to find that he was hurt! A diamond ring had pierced his normal little forehead and he whimpered frostily with the pain.

"My crazy little friend," Girl said. "Let me help you!" She took out her Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the diamond ring, as crankily as she could. The snake cried out and Girl's heart ached, like a song so sad it would make its singer swell with sorrow. "You'll be all right," Girl whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Boy and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Boy up in her arms, Girl carried him home and made a bed for him beside her own. For seven days and seven nights, Girl nursed Boy, cleaning his forehead and feeding him Rubber ducky-brand snake chow.

On the eighth night, Boy climbed into bed with Girl. He burrowed under the covers and frankly folded Girl's nose. It made Girl giggle and she cuddled close to Boy, stroking his thigh and singing secretively to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Girl hurried home so she could curl up with Boy. It gave her a sleepy feeling whenever Boy folded her nose.

Then one night, Boy looked up at Girl and said, "If you kiss me, I will become an irritable prince."

Girl screamed angrily, she was so surprised. How could a snake talk? She must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Boy said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Girl said and kissed Boy on his thigh. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood an irritable prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Boy," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Girl said.

"See?" Boy said and showed Girl the scar from the diamond ring on his forehead. Then he kissed Girl and they tumbled in a ditch and did a lot of very sausage-like things, some of them involving a rich tennis shoe.

"I love you," Boy said when they were done. Girl clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Boy had stashed away.

And if Boy didn't know about Girl's visits to the snake sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.